I Pressed Pause on God

For the past few months, I was MIA and not just on the blog or social media but also in my relationship with God. It was like a tug of war and God was on the losing end in most battles. Not through any fault of His own but simply because I left Him with the tiniest thread to hold onto.

I pressed pause on God. Reading my bible? Writing in my prayer journal? Praying for others? Practicing celibacy? I could no longer be bothered with any of it. After doing things His way and having nothing to show for it (according to my fleshly standards of course), I needed a break from God.

Do you remember that Friends episode where Ross cheats on Rachel but he doesn’t consider it cheating because, according to him, they were on a break? In my case, I cheated on God with sin but I refused to let it convict me because I had pressed pause remember? Does it even count as sinning when I am pushing away the One who considers it a sin? I should put “justifying sin” as a skill on my resume because I have mastered the art so well.

I don’t have a specific ‘Aha!’-moment but rather a series of events which led to me seeking reconciliation with God. Firstly, I reread some of my prayers and all I could do was shake my head and laugh. Rather than prayers to God they were monologues of justifying sin with some out-of-context bible verses sprinkled through. I knew I had to do better than that. Then my dear friend Dionne visited me from the UK. Isolation is where sin thrives because there’s no accountability. Through sharing my struggles with her, the stronghold that sin had on me was removed. Lastly, my pastor reached out to me. I was certain I’d be asked about my non-existing church attendance but instead, he asked my opinion on a new ministry.

I considered myself disqualified to pray, connect with other believers or be involved in ministry because of my sinful behavior and distance from God. But the examples listed above show that God does not care about how far you have gone away from Him.

“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.”

– Lamentations 3:22-23 (NKJV)

If you are currently going through a season of separation, I know it can get comfortable. It feels good to be able to do things your way again and not have to surrender to Him. Even if you push away conviction from the Holy Spirit or correction from other believers, there’s still an emptiness that no amount of sin can ever fill. There’s this nagging feeling you have deep down that you just can’t seem to shake. And that’s because God doesn’t do this whole ‘we are on a break’ thing. At the end of the day, you can’t outrun or outsmart or out-sin God. Because of how good and faithful He is, His grace is new every single morning. Pressing pause on God won’t force Him to press pause on you.

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